All the collective weirdnesses

Today is kind of a weird day for me.

I'm going to meet my mother in law's boyfriend.

My husband is out on a little "getting to know you" date with him right now and then they're coming back to the house and then I can finally say I've at least met the guy.

It's weird to think about how much will change if she gets married.

And I'm in an odd mood. I wish I had better friends. Friends I could call. But I don't.

So I'm thinking that's something I should fix.

In the meantime I just sit here all sadly and alone.

Hoping the Giants win. Wondering what to do with myself.

Maybe I should study. Probably should. Yeah.

Anniversary Recap

Husband came of age on Thursday. 'Twas wondrous listening to his drunken rendition of the "Fresh Prince of Belair" theme song. And watching him throw up helped me to love him in a whole new way.

As we were leaving the bar a random toothless 50 year old weirdo stopped us, "Can I just ask you one thing?" Before we could answer, he said to me, "Why are you so beautiful?"

Ummm... because you're drunk?

My husband, wobbly, said "She's taken!" We started to walk away. The creeper started to shout profanity and then talk about how he was going to "hit that". Luckily my husband was too focused on not falling down, rambling aimlessly and having to pee to notice the verbal assault on my virginity.

The next morning we got up bright and early to leave for San Francisco. We stopped in Union City for a little indoor skydiving. Which incidentally is like the exact opposite of normal skydiving. Instead of hurtling downwards towards the earth, a large fan blows you upwards into a wind tunnel. That sucked. Imagine snorting bleach and that's what 160 mph wind felt like going up my nose. I also decided floating away is pretty much my worst fear ever.

My husband, of course, loved it. I think he was maybe still a little drunk.

Afterwards we went to the Wharf and had lunch. We originally planned on going to Fog City Diner because my husband loves the salt and pepper calamari there, but parking rates are RIDICULOUS in San Francisco. They wanted my first child ransom (see also: $7/hour). They had a little "special" though, if you got your ticket validated at one of the restaurants on the wharf, one hour of parking was free. You best believe I jumped all up on that. I did it for the freedom of my future children. Not because I'm cheap.

Then we went to our little hotel. I really liked the hotel. They don't charge $50/night for parking like other places in San Francisco mostly because they have nowhere to put you. The only parking is whatever you can find on the street. We did drive for probably 20 minutes waiting for a spot to open up, but we ended finding one within a block of the hotel. I knew once we had our (free) spot I was not going to give it up. It was like finding the most beautiful shoes in your size on super clearance. Actually it was better. It was like realizing there's blood in your panties when you've been scared for a week that an evil baby seed is growing inside of you.

Huzzah!

After settling into the hotel we took the bus over to Parrilla. I basically funded our entire trip with groupon and illegal gun sales. So we ended up paying like $20 for 2 entrees, an appetizer, a margarita and a dessert. The fish tacos were amazing and smelled nothing like a dirty girl's cooter.

Then we walked for like a mile to a bus stop to get back to our hotel. Not because we had to... I actually forgot why we did that. Probably we were still drunk from Thursday night.

On Saturday morning we got up and took the bus to Market Street. This is where we go most often in San Francisco. We like the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf there. Also my husband had money to blow. I went inside of a 3 story Forever21 and an H&M but I didn't spend one penny. Not one penny! I was very proud of myself. Considering last time we went to those places I spent about 50,000 pennies. But not actual pennies, because the homeless people would go freaking crazy if they saw that amount of change. And the homeless people in San Francisco are mean as a dickens. Whatever a dickens is.

We ate at the Westfield Mall which isn't exactly your typical mall fare. At least it's not OUR typical mall fare. Although our mall does have a Charley's... and Charley's does put me in the mood for baby making... Where was I? Oh yes. Lunch. I had another groupon for Pasta Moto. I got the margherita pizza which... weird as it may seem... was actually the best margherita pizza I've had to date. It was pizza the way pizza was intended. Super thin crust, heavy sauce, a moderate amount of cheese, and fresh spicy basil + magic chopped up on top. Divine.

At that point my husband randomly decided he wanted TOMS. Okay. So we took a bus to Haight Ashbury where there was a shoe store selling them. I've been so San Francisco a half dozen times now, but never there. It was... interesting. If you're on drugs. We found my husband's shoes. He surprised me by getting me a pair as well. I never thought that we would have matching shoes. But thank you TOMS, you made that revoltingly matchy-matchy bullish possible. I also got a super comfy pair of suede moccasins. Mmmm. I'm in love with those babies.

Back to the Westfield mall for teriyaki chicken from the food court. What? I swear it's so good! Then we headed over to BATS (An improv group) to see improvised Shakespeare. It was actually kind of amazing. I loved watching a tiny 105 pound forty year old woman give fake birth to a fat fifty year old man pretending to be a baby girl.

We took a walk down Fillmore street which is apparently party central for the community college kids. The street was a mess of drunken 20 something year olds. We stopped at a place called "Pizza Orgasmica" for a late night snack. A girl in there said "OH MY GOD! This pizza is so good! I'm having an orgasm right now!" To which her friend responded, "THROW SOME WATER ON IT!" Does that work?

The pizza by the way, not orgasmic. I think someone somehow confused the word grease with the word orgasm. It's a simple enough mistake, I suppose.

Sunday we woke up late (9 am) and headed back to Market street for more Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. I had never been to the ferry building and wanted to see what it was all about. We had sandwiches from Acme bread company. Mine was freaking amazing. Yukon gold potatoes, pesto and creme fraiche sandwiched between a hunk of sweet bread. We attempted then to take the F train to Pier 39 but the whole area was jam packed with bodies. 10,000 people were going to see the air show. Dumb! So we walked around in the heat for awhile and then finally ended up at Fog City Diner for that infamous calamari.

By then it was 3 and definitely time to go home. Blah. Longest feeling 3 and a half hour drive ever. My husband wouldn't let me touch him inappropriately while I was driving to liven things up. BoooOooo!

That night after we were home we went out to a BBQ place with some friends. I discovered I don't hate all margaritas and that things can get awkward when your best friend makes out with her really good friend's on-again-off-again-boyfriend and everybody knows about it except the almost-girlfriend. >.O

Tonight we're off to the fair. Yay!

Things didn't really start out great today. Mostly because I hate my straightener. Only because it doesn't actually straighten anything. And in my opinion if a device doesn't do what it's NAMED it's a piece of crap. My straightener should be called hair-ripping-frizz-inducing-time-wasting-piece-of-crap-ener.

It's a superficial thing, I know. But I don't feel good about presenting myself to the general public as a hot mess. Hideous beast is not a good look for me. And if I don't feel at least semi-decent looking, how am I supposed to feel at least semi-decently about anything else?

Mostly I'm just in a really b****y mood. My body is pissed that yet another egg has gone unfertilized and is punishing my husband by turning me into a town-crushing man-eating monster.

That's why I've decided that you, mother nature, are a whore. I don't want to pop out a baby. And I think it's really cruel that you make me bleed and writhe in pain every month just because I refuse to submit to your selfish desires. You're a terrible, terrible lady.

A New Kind of Labor Pain

I have this ridiculous lower back pain only on the right side. It's only when I sit, bend, twist or otherwise try to live a normal non-robotic life.

Google has suggested three things: appendicitis, kidney stone/infection or some kind of muscle strain.

I don't have any other symptoms of appendicitis and my husband who had to have his appendix removed told me that if it was that I'd be in a lot more pain right now. Like "SOMEONE JUST FREAKING STABBED ME." pain.

I also don't have other symptoms related to kidney stones and infections, namely peeing fireballs, so I think that's out as well.

As for the muscle strain, I'm leaning towards that one because the pain isn't constant. It's only if I am not standing totally straight. But I haven't done any heavy lifting or out-of-the-ordinary activities so I don't see how I could have managed to randomly hurt my back.

Since everything Google suggested is out, that leaves only one plausible solution.

Obviously last night I was abducted and an alien put it's egg sack inside of me. Now the baby is growing and slowly eating my innards. Soon I will either die of internal bleeding or give birth to an alien.

Well, at least it's not too serious.

How to Lose 15 Pounds in 3 Days (Or die trying.)

So I've been trying to lose weight lately but really struggling. Yesterday I was doing well until I crossed paths with a peanut butter cookie. This cookie was sent by evil forces to thwart my attempts at healthfulness. Even though I won the battle against my opponent by biting, chewing and swallowing him to death, I believe he won the war.

So I decided instead of trying to lose weight I'm just going to make millions that way nobody cares how fat I am.

How am I going to make my millions? With a revolutionary, ingenious plan to lose weight, of course!

On this plan you're going to lose 5 pounds a day for 3 days, thus amounting to 15 pounds. Don't believe it's possible?

Well it absolutely is.*

Day one: Have a baby. You're done for the day. Alternatively have your spleen, one lung and half of your liver removed.

Day two: One pound of fat is the equivalent of 3,500 calories. If you're going to lose 5 pounds of fat you're going to need to burn 17,500 calories today. So hop on your bike and enjoy 15 hours of a very leisurely 20 miles per hour pace and you've just lost 5 pounds with practically no effort put forth at all.

Day three: Can't afford liposuction? Simply chop off an appendage. If you survive, you're covered by insurance as long as you call it an "accident".

There you have it! The best, safest, healthiest way to lose 15 pounds in 3 days!

*in theory.