So I've been trying to lose weight lately but really struggling. Yesterday I was doing well until I crossed paths with a peanut butter cookie. This cookie was sent by evil forces to thwart my attempts at healthfulness. Even though I won the battle against my opponent by biting, chewing and swallowing him to death, I believe he won the war.
So I decided instead of trying to lose weight I'm just going to make millions that way nobody cares how fat I am.
How am I going to make my millions? With a revolutionary, ingenious plan to lose weight, of course!
On this plan you're going to lose 5 pounds a day for 3 days, thus amounting to 15 pounds. Don't believe it's possible?
Well it absolutely is.*
Day one: Have a baby. You're done for the day. Alternatively have your spleen, one lung and half of your liver removed.
Day two: One pound of fat is the equivalent of 3,500 calories. If you're going to lose 5 pounds of fat you're going to need to burn 17,500 calories today. So hop on your bike and enjoy 15 hours of a very leisurely 20 miles per hour pace and you've just lost 5 pounds with practically no effort put forth at all.
Day three: Can't afford liposuction? Simply chop off an appendage. If you survive, you're covered by insurance as long as you call it an "accident".
There you have it! The best, safest, healthiest way to lose 15 pounds in 3 days!