Things didn't really start out great today. Mostly because I hate my straightener. Only because it doesn't actually straighten anything. And in my opinion if a device doesn't do what it's NAMED it's a piece of crap. My straightener should be called hair-ripping-frizz-inducing-time-wasting-piece-of-crap-ener.

It's a superficial thing, I know. But I don't feel good about presenting myself to the general public as a hot mess. Hideous beast is not a good look for me. And if I don't feel at least semi-decent looking, how am I supposed to feel at least semi-decently about anything else?

Mostly I'm just in a really b****y mood. My body is pissed that yet another egg has gone unfertilized and is punishing my husband by turning me into a town-crushing man-eating monster.

That's why I've decided that you, mother nature, are a whore. I don't want to pop out a baby. And I think it's really cruel that you make me bleed and writhe in pain every month just because I refuse to submit to your selfish desires. You're a terrible, terrible lady.

A New Kind of Labor Pain

I have this ridiculous lower back pain only on the right side. It's only when I sit, bend, twist or otherwise try to live a normal non-robotic life.

Google has suggested three things: appendicitis, kidney stone/infection or some kind of muscle strain.

I don't have any other symptoms of appendicitis and my husband who had to have his appendix removed told me that if it was that I'd be in a lot more pain right now. Like "SOMEONE JUST FREAKING STABBED ME." pain.

I also don't have other symptoms related to kidney stones and infections, namely peeing fireballs, so I think that's out as well.

As for the muscle strain, I'm leaning towards that one because the pain isn't constant. It's only if I am not standing totally straight. But I haven't done any heavy lifting or out-of-the-ordinary activities so I don't see how I could have managed to randomly hurt my back.

Since everything Google suggested is out, that leaves only one plausible solution.

Obviously last night I was abducted and an alien put it's egg sack inside of me. Now the baby is growing and slowly eating my innards. Soon I will either die of internal bleeding or give birth to an alien.

Well, at least it's not too serious.